either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Randomize