I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
