she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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