i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize