Moan for me like Helen Keller
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
