what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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