She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize