I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
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