I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
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