Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
