seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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