good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize