just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
