if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
