Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize