I wish I could teleport
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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