I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Randomize
