I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
