i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
