I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Randomize
