Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
