conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
