Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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