oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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