you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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