okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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