my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
