No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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