I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
