who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
