I think I died a long time ago.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Randomize