9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
