I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
