Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Apparently you make a good broom.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
