we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
