My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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