so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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