you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
