I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
not ubering you a puppy
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
