in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
