Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
