True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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