Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
did i just pee glitter
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
