I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Randomize