somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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