You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
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