I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
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