did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just forgot I was standing up.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
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