babies were throwing up all over the place
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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