we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
