Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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