Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
