her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
