as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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