addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
