Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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