I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
