You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
