This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
